Dating, Courting & Marriage: Doing It God’s Way
In a world of Facebook, Snapchat and the ever so complex world of online dating, it can be very difficult for a millennial to navigate the scene of dating to emerge on the other side that is beautiful marital bliss. These issues are only exacerbated for the Christian millennial who wants to find someone that shares their values of purity, prayer and doing it Gods way. Well for Guido and Shakell they’ve successfully charted this course and in our candid interview with the newly weds they share advice, from their journey, on how other Christian millennials can do the same.
Dating
We asked Guido, From a male perspective how should you go about pursing a female? Here’s his response.
Dating from a male’s perspective
Proverbs 18:22 (NKJV)
He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord.
I believe that one of the most misunderstood or rather complicated things to understand is dating from a male’s perspective. This is because of the stereotypical norms that most men are classified by. It forges a false burden and expectation that men should date as many women as possible and then he’ll truly know what he wants after countless unhealthy relationships and failed attempts.
The reality of it is that one cannot truly engage in a healthy and godly relationship without first building a healthy relationship with God.
Personally, This is when it all changed for me. As a Christian teenager with so much peer pressure I was pursing relationships built from lust. It was to be seen as macho and it was peer approval driven. There was a major conflict because I had yet to discover myself and who God called and purposed me to be. Of course these mistakes were building blocks. The older I became the more I realized that I desired sex more than a godly relationship. After my third failed relationship, in my freshman year of college, I vowed to God that I would never date again until He speaks to me. I didn’t think He would keep me waiting for 9 years.
Fighting to maintain purity is a battle only won through Christ Jesus and a surrendered will. The eyes are the lamp of the body. We are visual humans and what I have learned is when we train the eyes we are better able to tame the flesh. I know as men we tend to pretend that we have all of the answers because we want to be considered strong. True strength comes with finding your identity in Christ Jesus.
Nine years later and a few counterfeits prior here is what I would advise any male who really needs clarity on waiting and dating. (Everyone is different, but principal is golden)
Seek God with your whole heart - Cliche but to truly seek God is to find Him in the most vulnerable and lonely places.
Surround yourself with accountability. People who are not just loyal to you but loyal to God first. You need someone to talk to when you are waiting and struggling and dating and tempted. This is also important when you are dating.
Strengthen the friendship - If you are dating someone become friends. Friendship saves you from unrealistic expectations.
Select the nearest exit- God makes a way of escape. When you find yourself tempted and tried with anyone of the opposite sex you may find interest in, RUN. It will save you some regret.
Structure your life according to God’s word - Make sure your foundation is firm. This is the time to build character and integrity. A woman or marriage doesn’t bring about change. You be the person you expect.
Set Goals - Personal Goals, Spiritual Goals, Financial Goals. Prepare to be a steward over the blessing God will bring. It will teach you responsibility.
Standards are important when you are seeking your mate. If you are a godly man seek a godly spouse. God never leads us astray. You can never make someone love the God you love and serve. Being equally yoked is more than just being with someone who is saved. Ensure that this is someone that would honor you and respect you. Don’t expect wifely duties or responses from someone you are dating.
See- Open your eyes for the signs. Know what you can work through together and what is a deal breaker. A journey with someone doesn’t entitle you to marriage.
Secure the bag - When you know it’s God, and you have the approval of trusted spiritual guidance. Do it God’s way. Talk to her dad, mom and Pastor. Let them know your intentions. You may not get the approval of everyone, but good character reminds you of the duty and commitment.
We asked Shakell, how did you prepare for dating?
Wrapped up in God...
The way I prepared for dating was by not preparing at all. I know that may sound strange but Guido found me at a time when I wasn’t looking to be found. A few days before our paths crossed I told God that I didn’t want to be in a relationship, any time soon. I clearly expressed to God my desire to seek after Him and to be surrendered to Him on a deeper level. So when Guido found me I was like God, seriously? But the first time we spoke, I literally knew that he was my husband.
Everything I had prayed to God for years prior, to find in my husband, were qualities that he possessed and more. Like all of them. Now here’s the thing, he was everything I prayed for and needed not just a fairytale list that I wanted. What I wanted is what led to the same old failing relationships. But when Guido came into my life I knew he was way more than just what I wanted, but he was who God wanted for me.
So I would say the best way to prepare to be found is not to focus solely on being found. Be busy about the Father’s business, for real. When waiting on God, we should be serving God because He has and knows exactly what we need. While preparing, keep your mind open to God’s best and your spirit open for God’s voice.
“So I would say the best way to prepare to be found is not to focus solely on being found. Be busy about the Father’s business, for real. When waiting on God, we should be serving God because He has and knows exactly what we need. While preparing, keep your mind open to God’s best and your spirit open for God’s voice. ”
Courting
Courting is the stage in your relationship where you’ve already made up in your mind and heart that this is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. You may not have the ring yet but you are certain that is where this relationship will end. Now for many this is a very tempting stage because by now you’ve grown very fond of each other and that level of comfort can be dangerous. We asked Guido and Shakell for advice on how couples can ensure purity in their relationship when courting
Both of us being Christians, purity during our courtship was something that we took very seriously. When we began courting, we were both living on separate islands so our entire courtship was practically long distance. The only time we would see each other was if either one of us caught a flight. We can speak only from our experience of maintaining purity in our long distance relationship.
1. The God factor: when we met we were both virgins who had the desire to save ourselves for marriage for the one God had set aside for us. So in everything we did there was a God conscience. We really didn’t want to disappoint Him. Before we became official and throughout our entire relationship we set aside time for prayer and fasting to ensure that we were hearing the voice of God concerning our future. It was also to keep our flesh under subjection.
2. Length of trips: we didn’t visit for longer than a weekend. There were no extended stays that would cause us to get too comfortable or too familiar.
3. Accountability: during our visits, when we had down time we put ourselves in the company of others. Being in the company of mature believers who would give wise counsel was a great deterrent. It left no room to find ourselves otherwise engaged.
4. Avoiding late night conversations: being in a long distance relationship helps a lot with maintaining physical purity, but the mind is a powerful thing. The Bible says as a man thinks so is he. So we had to put boundaries on where we allowed our minds to travel as well. While fighting to keep your relationship pure, late night is NOT your friend! Greatest temptations show their head at night time.
Those are a few precautions we took to maintain a pure courtship. Of course it was more easy said than done. When you are with someone who you know that God has purposed for you, the fight is even greater. The devil will try to get you to compromise by saying: well that’s already your husband/wife, so you might as well go ahead and give in, no need to wait for a wedding. We are a testimony that, with God, you can overcome temptation!
Marriage
One year and a few months later and we love each other more than the day we said “I do”. It has been great! Before getting married, there were so many people that told us that the first year of marriage is the worst and if you can over come that then you will make it. We thought to ourselves, “That’s the worst?”
Now while it is true that being married you have to learn to live with someone else in your space all the time, to us, it wasn’t a bad thing at all. We strongly believe that with the Holy Spirit and the foundation we established during our courtship allowed our first year to be as smooth as it was. Yes we have had some disagreements but the end result was and is always reconciliation with apologies and prayer. We always say, without God our marriage can’t work.
During our courtship we first established a friendship. When you may not feel ‘lovey dovey’ your friendship is what will keep the marriage. Before anything else, we were friends and to this day we are still open about everything and we love to laugh. We were also our most vulnerable, during our courtship, with stating our expectations of our spouse in marriage, what we like and dislike and what we can and can’t live with. We did that to understand the other’s perspective and to compromise where necessary. Having those basics in mind helped to shape how we treated each other everyday. We had a general idea of what reasonable things the other person didn’t like, so we tried to avoid doing those things and tried to do more of what they like.
COMPROMISE is a big deal in marriage.
No one’s opinion or feelings is less valuable than the other and most of the time it will be someone’s time to compromise.
Our advice to those who are :
- Waiting - This time may be painful but in the end will prove purposeful. Waiting on God will save you from an unnecessary broken heart and broken dreams. As you wait on the Lord, wait also in the Lord. He is faithful! Keep your spiritual eyes and ears inclined to Him.
- Courtship (dating) - Though dating and courtship may be used interchangeably, we believe that courtship is God’s blueprint for choosing a godly spouse. The goal of dating, we believe, is trial and error (seeing how it goes). Courtship on the other hand has an end goal of marriage.
When courting, don’t be afraid to ask the difficult questions. In those responses is where you will be able to determine what you and your partner may need to adjust or eliminate. Also, learn as much about your partner as you can. Having this knowledge before marriage helps for a smoother transition from being a couple to being a married couple.
And finally, do not neglect wise counsel. You don’t know it all! Having godly outside assistance is just what you need because they can sometimes see what Love hides and somethings they just know from experience.